January 14, 2006

Captions R Us

I haven't been blogging much lately, primarily because time is scarce. But I have been entering some caption contests. Here are my timely, topical, obscure, and laden with pop culture leitmotif entries from Rodney Dill's latest contest over at James Joyner's Outside the Beltway using this image from Reuters/Jim Young:

thee amigos.jpg

Speak evil, see evil, hear evil.

Must be a hidden camera, Chuck Schumer’s not in the frame.

Even Senator Leahy is thinking to himself, “My God, is there a question in here somewhere?”

Biden’s caption: “Winkin’, drinkin’ and God.”

Joe Biden: “Judge Alito, I’m confused by your inability to convince me that you’ve never been caught in bed with a live boy or a dead girl.”
Senator Leahy (thinking): WTF?
Senator Kennedy (thinking): Careful Teddy-boy, remember not to show any reaction whenever anyone mentions a dead girl.

Charter members of CASF (Concerned Alumni of San Francisco).

Honestly, who ever thought our biggest problem would be old white men not wanting to send kids off to war?

While Joe Biden serenades himself, Ted Kennedy calculates how many more years he would have had before he was eligible for parole if justice were truly blind, and Patrick Leahy contemplates President Bush’s appointment of two more associate justices to the U.S. Supreme Court to replace Justice Stevens and Justice Ginsberg.

Joe Biden: “I know some of you think we’re pretty bad, but just remember that for all intents and purposes, Barbara Boxer represents one out of every ten Americans. Things can always be worse, and don’t you forget it.”

While Senator Biden asks Judge Alito what kind of tree he would be if he were a tree, Senator Kennedy corrects all his notes by striking all the extra “o”s from Alioto, and Senator Leahy tries to find a happy place where Republicans are found only in reeducation camps and history books.

While Joey Walnuts laments his loss of stature in the DNC family, Crazy Uncle Junior Kennedy takes notes on who hasn’t been showing the proper level of respect and Patty frets that America is watching and knows that, as Tony always says, there has to be consequences.

But here's my favorite, especially for those of us who spent our formative years participating in high school and other amateur productions of Broadway musicals:

Fugue for Dems Scorned (with apologies to Damon Runyan)

It’s in my notes right here,
A scholar I revere,
Says Tribe’s a guy who knows when a penumbra’s near.

Can’t do, can’t do,
Larry says Alito’s through.
If he says Alito’s through,
Can’t do, can’t do.

(SENATOR KENNEDY starts singing his part at this time, while SENATOR BIDEN continues:)

Can’t do, can’t do,
Larry says Alito’s through.
If he says Alito’s through,
Can’t do, can’t do.

(SENATOR LEAHY starts singing his part at this time, while SENATOR BIDEN and SENATOR KENNEDY continue:)

With Larry Tribe I’ll fight
Sammy with all my might.
Of course, if Dujack’s here it’s sweet prince good night.

Likes mud, likes mud,
Senate Democrats like mud.
Senate Democrats fling mud,
Sling mud, like mud.

Now Chucky Schumer here,
Can be a horse’s rear,
He does a great impression that’s real sincere.

Lie one, lie two,
A lie told enough ‘comes true.
Larry says Alito’s through,
Can’t do, can’t do.

Horse’s rear. I got the mud right here.

I’m pickin’ Ballantine,
On ice, this morning’s fine.
It’s got to be at least five ‘til nine.

No chance, no chance,
This extremist has no chance.
If I say he’s got no chance,
No chance. No chance.

Thanks for the Ballantine,
It’s really quite sublime,
Start pouring if you see it fall below this line.

Needs ice, needs ice,
My aide says my drink needs ice.
If he says my drink needs ice,
Needs ice. Needs ice.

Bring me more Ballantine,
My buzz is in decline.
I don’t give a damn if it’s not yet nine.

No chance, no chance,
Alioto’s got no chance.

Ballantine! I got my drink right here.

This is our epitaph,
As people point and laugh,
While we try and pin our failure on devoted staff.

“Flop sweat” – “Flop sweat”
Rusher called our bluff – “Flop sweat”
Enough is enough – “Flop sweat”,
Flop sweat, flop sweat.

And just a minute, boys.
Let’s pull out all our toys,
And make the nominee’s wife cry and lose her poise.

No class. No class.
Smears, lies, and nonsense, no class.
We don’t need no stinkin’ class.
No class. No class.

So write our epitaph, since we failed to gaff
Sam Alito with our posturing silly chaff.

Epitaph! I got the smear right here!

Add your own captions of at OTB. Personally, I think too clever by half rewrites of old show tunes that maintain as much of the original as possible remain woefully underappreciated. But that's just me.

Posted by Charles Austin at January 14, 2006 08:37 PM

Probably as underappreciated as my
Swing Home, Sweet Choc-o-late
parody, on the Nagin OTB contest.

But that one nearly wrote itself, so
I couldn't stop. Anytime I try to force
it, it never works.

Posted by: Rodney Dill at 11:15 PM