Sine Qua Non

Oscars

Updated throughout the night...

Billy Crystal is talented and clever, nice intro. He left one analogy off his list of things that haven't changed in 13 years -- the same lies about the economy being in the tank are still being told.

Maybe they could have saved a lot of time if each presenter didn't have to walk 30 yards to get to the podium.

Can't Peter Jackson afford to get a shirt with a large enough collar?

I've got three teenage girls in the house who shriek every time anything to do with Lord of the Rings pops up. Or Johnny Depp.

My daughter and her friends are making a lot of rude comments about Bill Murray looking really old. I reminded her that she's going to want a car in about 2 years, so stifle it.

Diane Keaton resurrects the Annie Hall look. Ewwww.

I put the over/under on wisecracks about Democratic candidates for president at 2. I've already lost count of the Bush wisecracks.

I'll give Tim Robbins credit for restraining himself. He's awfully big for a hobbit though. I mean, isn't LOTR supposed to win everything?

The Clinton "Kill Bill" crack doesn't count since neither Bill nor Hillary is running -- as far as I know.

Bridget Jones wins! Well, to be fair, it's tough to imagine any women winning much for LOTR.

Rodya is blogging live. He's much wittier than I. Go there. Unless you like reading things top to bottom instead of upside down.

Goodbye Mr. Hope.

Sometimes I wish Ben Stiller and Owen whatshisname were funny.

I'm kind of only watching with one eye, but has anybody not present with a film that won't be up for an award until next year ever been mentioned as often as Mel Gibson has been so far? Oh yeah, Mel's made a huge mistake.

There's your first cue that the orchestra will start to drown you out if you take too long. I know it's only 6:30 PM on the West Coast, but the East Coast doesn't want this thing dragging on until 1:00 Am any more.

I miss Wallace and Gromit.

The girsl ewwwwed Liv Tyler.

First song... sorry, but I've never really cared for Sting all that much. I do like Allison Krause though. Too bad they couldn't have got Mark Knopfler to sing the lead with Sting backing him up again.

Another song... Allison Krause, Elvis Costello, and T-Bone Burnett. Cool. The King is dead. Long live the King.

Third song... I'll bet this one wins the Oscar, because of nostalgia for Annie Lennox as much as anything else. And, of course, it's from LOTR. Too bad it's so dark behind her. I'd like to see Dave Stewart's hair color.

Thanks for the nipple broach mention. Again. And the Pussy Galore joke. The kids love it. Who needs a 5 second delay? It's family entertainment!

Special effects... like, there was a contest?

Jim Carrey is bald. So much for having the power of God. Oh, it's a tribute to Blake Edwards. Watching the clips I'm surprised how long it's been since he'd done anything good. Looks like all the good jokes were used up in the intro. Hey! Jim touched his Oscar.

Makeup... pshaw, there was a contest?

Hmmm, when's the last time an actor thanked Jesus for winning? Or is that just an athletic thing? Hey, I'm just asking. Think anybody will thank Mel tonight?

Sound, um, there was a contest?

Sound editing, what? LOTR's wasn't nominated? Oh, that's why they didn't win.

Speaking of Bill Murray, anybody see the American Express "Caddyshack" commercial with someone besides Bill Murray playing Carl?

Goodbye Ms. Hepburn. Style, wit, and grace. Now we have Julia Roberts.

Ha ha. No one laughed at the joke that said a 4-year old could do their job.

I realize I may be barking at the moon here, but am I alone in not finding Julia Roberts (or Sarah Jessica Parker, for that matter) beautiful? Apparently not, Rodya thinks so too -- at least with respect to Julia Roberts.

Oprah's a hell of a woman. I don't much care for any of her products, but she's been phenomenally successful.

Clip form Mystic River -- looks like type casting for poor Sean Penn again.

Hey, what if John Cusack and Joan Cusack introduced an award, and joked that they were going to get married in San Francisco like Billy and Robin did? How do you think the audience would react? What? There are limits?

Documentary award: The Fog of War and The Weather Underground get the biggets applause. Jeez, these people are so sadly predictable. Oh, yeah, guess who won? Get off the stage, asshole. I guess Billy approves. Sorry Billy, that was the Clinton Adminstration that used the IRS to go after people they didn't like.

Goodbye Mr. Peck.

Didn't we lose Art Carney this year too? Yep. Charles Bronson deserved better. So did Elia Kazan, too bad he named names, huh? Well, he gets to share billing for eternity now with Leni Riefenstahl. And Jack Elam. John Ritter gets the most applause? Well, goodbye to you all.

Hey, they just played the Caddyshack ripoff commercial.

Phil Collins is going to sing? The Oscars have officially jumped the shark. Whew, they are just introducing the award for soundtrack. You know, they are going to have to give something to Finding Nemo to piss off Disney at some point. But not this time, since LOTR continues to win everything it competes in.

Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore are up now. Sean Connery is probably sitting in the audience thinking, "I could kick his ass." Hey, LOTR wins again. What a surprise.

I'm waiting for someone to thank his favorite sheep.

Wow, Jamie Lee Curtis looks a lot like Tony Curtis. Weird. Hey I didn't realize American Pie had a musical munber.

And now we have what sounds like a Django Reinhardt ripoff.

Wait until John Kerry finds out that The Fog of War won!

Did Jack Black pick up Will Farrell to reconstitute Tenacious D? Has anyone seen Jack Black and Curtis Anderson together at the same time?

Ha! I knew it. Sweet dreams are made of this.

Yea, but isn't it weird that LOTR is winning everything this year after not winning a whole lot the last couple of years, outside of a few technical categories?

Charlize ... "What's the frequency Kenneth?" ... Theron gives an award to films that no one has seen. They couldn't even get people to download these illegally. Blame Canada!

Jude Law looks almost lifelike, kinda like some Spielberg robot or something.

Maybe FFC should have advised Sofia not to make a Lost in Translation 3 should she get the chance. Oh hey, look LOTR wins again. Where are they going to find all the steel to build all the vaults to hold all the money Peter Jackson is going to have before this is all over?

Where's Smeagol?

It's the Tim and Susan show! Does Susan have two of those nipple broaches to hold her dress on?

Sofia can write and direct a whole lot better than she can act.

Time to pick up the pace, I want to go to bed.

Allstate runs a commercial that starts off with, "Sombody once said everyone will get 15 minutes in the spotlight." It was Andy Warhol. You know it, I know it, even the rubes your trying to reach out in flyover country know it. So why try to hide from it?

I do like the Jack in the Box commercials.

"Princeton can use a man like Joel."

Jeez, Peter's tie is as bad as his shirt. He did deserve the award though. I'm worried about his health, what with his huffing and puffing after going up about 6 stairs.

It's going to be the Whale Rider girl, since Adrien Brody was the youngest man to win an Oscar last year and she'll be the youngest woman this year. I haven't seen any of the movies, so that's my guess. Then again, she's up against drug users and prostitutes, so who knows. Oh well, Hollywood has a soft spot for drug users, murderers, and actors and actresses that put a lot of weight on for a role -- DeNiro, Zellwegger, and now Theron.

Johnny Depp is studied insouciance incarnate.

Just curious, have you read the previous post?

They should have got Jon Lovitz to do the Diet Pepsi "Acting!" commercial.

Wow, they've managed to make Nicole Kidman unattractive.

Sean Penn wins for playing an angry man. Amazing, they really reached for that one. Maybe we'll get the Iraq lecture now.

Yep. Maybe the president can offer movie criticism next year in the State of the Union address.

Bill Murray just saw his one chance to get a Best Actor Oscar go by the window. Even Billy Crystal picked up on it.

Well, good. LOTR deserved it.

Good night.

(Oh, Billy just made Michele's night.)

Posted by Charles Austin at February 29, 2004 09:10 PM